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Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
my 50 closest non-friends.....or somethin ;)

1: stardegenerate 2: thewallflower, 3: flymeback , 4: neverseenbleu, 5: pastmidnight, 6: barethighs, 7: myhearthere, 8: thesoundmachine, 9: dynamical, 10: _charmbracelet_, 11: fervently, 12: velvetheaven, 13: illuminate, 14: cathcath, 15: another_angle, 16: memoryremains, 17: nelmiocuore, 18: spazzberryglam, 19: kazzu, 20: circular_, 21: dangerously, 22: cvmonkey, 23: highspeed, 24: shadax, 25: shefliesaway, 26: kristenlee, 27: stephiedoll, 28: pieceofitall, 29: curlygrl, 30: rescue, 31: october_rain, 32: morning_view, 33: eightythree, 34: everywheretome, 35: haloseven, 36: yourjadedhalo, 37: sightlines, 38: suchcolors, 39: only_time, 40: somethings_stay, 41: babybeaver, 42: dimlylitroom, 43: somethingpoetic, 44: cellar, 45: airandangels, 46: throwrug, 47: solaced, 48: adelaide, 49: just_a_girl_, 50: esparagus

think ill add some of them later. :)

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Monday, June 30th, 2003
1:22 pm
going to barnes and nobles this afternoon. what are you reading now, and what are your favorite books? i'm in need of a good summer reading list and this $50 gift certificate is burning a whole in my pocket....

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Tuesday, April 29th, 2003
10:53 pm
we need to talk less and say more.
everything is so drawn out and soooo emotional and so draining. i leave you feeling like weights have been ADDED to my shoulders.
we talk, and we talk. we talk it to death, we talk the subject into the ground. we can talk until the cows come but nothing will ever get said. we dance around our true feelings, we say what we think he want to say and what we think we feel but what do we really know anyway?
that nothing is solved when we talk. we fight. or we make little to no sense. and i hang up the phone and i am tired. i am literally drained of all my energy, emotionally and physically. because after all we have endured, an afternoon of phone conversations, even a short discussion, we talk talk talk talktalktalktalktalk.......

and yet nothing is said. nothing is heard.

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Saturday, April 12th, 2003
6:33 pm - you thought a break would be good
sometimes i'm sad about the way things are wrapping up w/ us. he works 1-mightnight just about every night. i never talk to him anymore. the last substansial conversation we had was wednesday. it lasted about 10 minutes. i see him briefly in school sometimes. but we're at the point of this...far off friendship.

but on the other hand, it's good for us. it's good for us to get used to the not being there. it's good for us to take a break from each other, have something to miss, have something to say when we DO talk. and just not force anything that we've known for a long time is never going to work.

so i'm sad. but it's good for me. i KNOW this is right. and at least this way we don't fight.

i'm starting to get excited for prom. i hope i didn't just jinx myself by saying that.

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Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
1:33 pm
i am so sick of snow but i love these snow days so much!!!!

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Monday, February 17th, 2003
9:23 pm
i'd like an opinion from everyone here...

as a general note, i have more friends listed then i am friends of. so here's my question...if i USED to be on someone's friends list and then they took me off, and they really never make unfriended posts, should i unfriend them too? i dont want to seem like a freak obsessing over it, but i can't decide. i don't know if i should comment and say, is there a reason i am unfriended when you are still my friend?

it just feels strange to allow someone in your personal thoughts when they dont allow you on theirs.

*sighs* this is so third grade. why should this even bother me?

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6:54 pm
suggest your favorite journal to me please.

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Tuesday, December 31st, 2002
12:33 am
wtf man, i just wrote the most heartfelt thing i've written since september and lj just erased it. is this a sign or what...

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Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
3:35 pm
i walked into french class one year ago and the television was on. i asked the boy he sat behind me what was going on...he said a plane had hit the world trade center, maybe two, he wasnt sure.

i remember i understood what he said, but it didn't sink in. i sat down and mme. rudmand told us how important this was, and we would not hold class, instead we would watch the news. i remember sitting there, in utter disbelief that this was happening to MY city. just three weeks before, i was in new york. just three weeks before i was at the world trade center. my mind was mush.

the assistant principle came over the intercom and told everyone to turn their tvs on, that the united states had been attacked.

homeroom. more news. silence in the halls. photography class. i closed my eyes as the first tower fell. i couldn't watch. i felt sick.

i remember it all like it just happened. i can't believe it's been a full year.

where were you on september 11?

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Tuesday, September 10th, 2002
9:24 am - this masquerade is getting older
i don't have any real updates in my life, which is rather depressing. i've surviving senior year w/ only five classes this year including the first two mods off (more sleep) computer graphics, interior design, illustration, british literature, and ap art. ap art is kicking my ass considerably. but other than that, school is decent. i get out at 140 and i dont have to be there until 930. next semester i leave at 1.

i'm working more than ever. i figured out that i actually spend more time at work than i do at school at week. (4 1/2 hours a day in school, times five, 21 1/2 hours a week....i'm at work at least 26 hours a week) it's starting to burn me out and i'm seriously considering finding another job. but it's such a large part of my life that i'm not sure i'm ready to move on yet. i love all the people so much. it would be so hard. i just need to know when to let go and move on.

i went on a couple dates w/ a boy named chris. he's a friend of a friend and a decent kid, although i highly doubt anything will come of it. it's just nice to have that oppurtunity. he hasn't kissed me yet, and i don't have any desire for him to. it's nice to have that best guy friend back.

and him...our relationship is decent. we talk just about every night, and argue just about every single night. we're trying to work through everything, because there's a lot to work through. all i really want is to be able to look at him and be his friend, and talk to him, and laugh w/ him, w/ out feeling insignificant, worthless, tired, unhappy, not-good-enough. scared. i want to laugh w/ him like we're just friends....but every time we talk we both build up these walls of defense like we know the other person is going to try and beat us up...even before the conversation starts. it's so frustrating.

i have a ton of stuff to do for the school newspaper and i thought i'd take advantage of this day off from school...although i doubt i will get around to it.

i'm not unhappy...i'm not happy. i'm doing decently, which is the word for my life if you haven't noticed. decent...i guess that's all i really ask for.

current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, August 24th, 2002
8:09 am
getting ready to go to work. school starts on tuesday. so i have ONE official day of summer left. blah. i'm scared for senior year.

how many days until graduation?

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Sunday, August 18th, 2002
11:17 pm
anyone know what happened to tahnie? i'm getting a little worried.

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Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
10:10 am
andrew and i. the question everyone seems to be asking: are we together or are we not? the thing is...there really isnt an answer right now. neither of us seem to know actually.

i forgot how alike we are. i forgot how he is my second half. how we spend...an hour together and already we start finishing each other's sentences again. the first night when he spent the night here we stayed up all night laying upstairs watching movies and talking and catching up. we watched bounce. then encino man. then apocalypse now. how many times have i stayed up all night w/ a guy just TALKING? how about...never.

i think the realization is hitting me that i am deathly afraid of being happy. it's not that i'm UNHAPPY. because in reality, i'm not. i'm not happy, or unhappy. i'm just...here. and surviving. and i dont remember a time when i was happy. i mean, laughing means happiness. but when i was happy w/ my life, and my surroundings and just generally happy. i think i dont know HOW to be happy w/ what i've got. and i think i'm scared of feeling happy. it's sort of like...i dont have good days. i dont have bad days. i just have DAYS. it's the same thing. i'm not happy. i'm not unhappy. i just...AM.

does this make sense to ANYONE?

and i dont think i'm ready to grow up yet. i'm not ready to be doign all this college shit. it's coming up SOON. i want to do early admission. so...i'm going to have a portfolio review/interview in august. that's fucking scary. that means i really need to get my ass in gear and finish the damn portfolio.

tomorrow on the schedule is to get out of my house for a little while and get some ads for the school newspaper and take some pictures while i'm downtown. then....i have an art class at 6. i'll probably go early and try and get some shit done.


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Monday, August 5th, 2002
11:47 pm
i'm getting ready to go to bed. i had a wonderful week w/ everyone and i will catch up on it soon i promise.

my daddy is sleeping down here which scares me a little bit. so much is going on w/ my family that i don't know what to do...i don't even know that i want to write it in here because then it will make it all seem real. and that's the last thing i want right now.

i'm having a real conversation w/ matt right now about leaving for college...it's the first real conversation i've had in a long time. actually, that isnt true. i had one w/ leighann last night, and meryl last night too. and so many w/ andrew and kristi. it's more like, i'm tired of having "fake" conversations w/ people. i'm finished w/ being someone i'm not and i realized that today. why should i have empty conversations w/ people who hardly know me when i can have beautiful real conversations w/ people who know me better than i ever thought, or can GET to know me through these conversations. i've been so stupid.

it's amazing what a few days away will do for you.

the last few days have been hell. this morning i wasnt sure i would make it through the rest of the day, i was that close to the edge. more explaining will come later. but i'm here. and that's all that counts.


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Wednesday, July 3rd, 2002
10:59 pm - you don't know what you mean to me
sometimes i just want to erase myself...i dont know why i bother w/ anything anymore...

i'm not even that unhappy. i can't express what emotion i feel. i'm lonely. i'm frustrated. i'm anxious. i'm all of the above and so much more. i don't know WHAT i am. i just want to erase myself and start all over again. i want to be something else, someone else.

i'm tired of this. i'm tired of feeling so damn much.

i didnt make this friends only and i don't even care anymore. i don't have the energy for any of this anymore. i dont have the energy for anything anymore.

friends only, basically. i might as well say that, although if you add me you may be disapointed because i'm not so exciting.

anyway. it's too hot to type. maybe it's the heat talking here...i'll update again soon.

current mood: numb

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Thursday, June 27th, 2002
1:26 pm - can't get you outta my head...
the funny thing is, she and i talk all the time now. and i actually LIKE talking to her. she makes me smile. she's friendly, she asks me questions...this is driving me crazy. i wish i still hated her.

college is really starting to get to me....last night i asked my photography teacher at the institute about portfolios for art school. he asked what schools i was interested in and i said my first choice was school of visual arts, and i really wanted to go there. and he said, i quote, "well aren't you ambitious?"

i didn't think it was that hard to get into. i'll have refrence from my summer program teacher from last year...that should help. i don't have a theme for my portfolio. i'm not taking senior independent art because the teacher can't stand me, and i can't stand her either...

what if i'm not a good artist?

to be honest, the thought of NOT getting into sva hadn't really crossed my mind. ok, it had, but only as a joke. i always said, if i don't get in i'll keep appying until they get sick of me and just let me in.

but since i talked to him..i can see myself opening that rejection letter and just being crushed. new york city completes me. i mean...my live journal name is citygrl. i have a screen name that is citygrlatheart. i BELONG in the city. i belong at sva.

but what if i don't get in? this is the one thing that i have ever really wanted...i dont want to go anywhere else. at all.

college scares me. and leaving scares me...but being rejected scares me even more.

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Tuesday, June 25th, 2002
8:59 pm - love can mend your life, but love can break your heart
on a side note, things in the house are going decently well. everythign being everywhere is starting to drive me crazy. i NEED my room to be in order. it's ridiculous how many boxes there are to unpack.

zack's in new york. he'll be there for another two weeks or so...i miss him, and i wish he'd come home. not that it matters because either way, he won't be talking to me.

can someone tell me how to change my comments thing? i want it to say something other than "comments" haha

umm i am so random. i think i post way too many friends only posts...what do i have to hide?

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Tuesday, June 18th, 2002
6:40 pm - i fell too fast, i feel too much
this is an exert from my journal that i wrote earlier today. i thought it summed everything up perfectly.

spending all day and tomorrow packing. thursday and friday is it. all of a sudden these changes are hitting pretty hard. ryan graduated. he's all done. no more late night movies. no more barenaked ladies and dashboard concerts. no more 10:00 ice cream runs. he wont be honking at my house as he speeds past. i can't tease him about cutting class. he'll be in the navy. he's gone. yeah, i'll see him. i'll write him. i'll talk to him. but it will never be the same again.

next year i'll be graduated. that scares me more than anything else right now. leaving.

leaving this house is hitting me all of a sudden. i have so many memories of this house all the way back to when kate's room was the playroom, wall to wall shelves filled with toys. i remember playing keeper of the jewels downstairs. all the different rooms were the little countries. i remember when kate moved out of our shared room. i was still upstairs and every christmas we slept in the same room. 8th grade grad, the volley ball net and "madd skillz" and the huge tent. kate's grad party when me and jen sat on the end of my driveway blowing bubbles. the first time he ever broke my heart, i bawled my eyes out, sitting on my trunk in the corner of my room. the little corner of my bathroom underneath the shelves where i go when i want to disapear, just fade into the walls. it's just big enough for me to fit there and pretend that i'm not alive anymore. falling in the creek on my bike. accidentally pushing kate into it on the big wheel. sledding on the hill in the back yard that is now covered in trees, full size tress. i used to sit in the loft of the shed and write. dancing around my house. raiding the fridge. how excited i was when i got my own, new, private, completely revamped bathroom. writing and crying in my little red chair next to my window. making wishes on stars at that same chair. spending hours redecorating the wals of my room. the day mom and dad hung up my first painting. hobbling up and down my stairs on crutches. sleeping in kate's room right after she left for school because i was so hearbroken and it was so familiar. music wars between our walls: rap vs. country. john mayer vs. classical. the marks on the wall next to the stairs are from vicki at my sixteenth party. we wanted everyone to fit on the couch, so she sat on the arm of the chair and her jacket scratched the wall. cookouts and croquet. cloud watching and thunderstorm chasing. i remember him and i sitting on my front porch watching the rain. how many times have i danced up and down our street, splashing in puddles? how many times did i look up at the pouring rain, unable to tell the difference between the skies tears hitting my face and my own?

there are so many more. i feel like this is the summer for moving on. i feel like i'm leaving my childhood in this house. i feel like i'm leaving it all back here. the pain, the unhappiness, the heartaches, the tears. laura, kess, hi. everything. but i feel as empty as these rooms. how can a person get so attached to a damn house?

i let him go. i let him fly. i told him to go back to her. her arms is where he belongs. it was one of the hardest things i have ever done. but i did it.

the blue spot on my ruh came from when sara spilled paint during our stencil party. the time i was throwing up with tears and sickness and mom held me, because she knew exactly what was wrong.

how can i just leave this all behind?

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Monday, June 17th, 2002
9:17 am - our love is comfortable and so broken in
i love john mayer....i'm going to see him one month from today!!

last night i had a long talk w/ sadie about him. it's been so long since anyone asked me about him...it's been so long since anyone cared to notice that he hurts me. it's been so long since someone asked me what hurt me. and i don't mean any of you, i mean my friends. it felt so nice for someone to want to talk about me for a change.

i told her that i didn't even think i loved him, but we always returned to each other because it's comfortable. and it IS comfortable. it's something that we've always known. as one relationship ends, it's natural to call him and talk to him, to see him, to miss him. but i miss him. i miss being held and someone looking at me like i'm the only one they could ever love...and no matter how many relationships i'm in, he's the only one that does that to me. i miss the weak in the knees feeling...but i think maybe even he has lost the touch for giving that to me.

which just makes me think more and more that it IS me.

i slept over caitlin's house last thursday. me, sara, jen and caitlin all had mod h finals, but no mod g, so we had a sleepover and then went out to breakfast. caitlin fell asleep right away, but me, jen and sara stayed up all night talking. i was talking about zack and sara said, "i feel like you have this whole other life that i don't even know about."

and i felt like saying, you never even ask. maybe she shouldn't have to ask, and maybe that's what trust and friends are about. but i feel like, man, between you and jen, both who i LOVE dearly, but they are used to me not talking and keeping everything inside, so they just babble on endlessly about their lives and never ask me how i am, or how anything in my life is. they ask brief questions, but everything leads back to them.

and then they were both surprised that i don't talk about zack, or about him, or about any of the instances the last six months that have torn me apart.

i just don't understand relationships anymore...not that i ever did.

today is the first day of summer...me, caitlin and sara are going to the beach for caitlin's birthday. it's only 71 outside so i don't think we'll be swimming. :)

hopefully i'll be able to write more now that it's summer.

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Wednesday, June 12th, 2002
10:05 pm - could a postcard say what i see in your eyes?
i havent updated in quite a few days....i don't know what to say. i'm frustrated w/ so much in my life right now, but at the same time i am so content. does that make any sense?

i've been studying my ass off for finals all week. two more days and then i'm officially a senior. scary thought, isn't it?

i'm talking to him and our conversation literally consists of him telling me joke after joke. horrible jokes, may i add. good thing we have substance in our relationship...friendship....whatever. not like i need a deep conversation every day but it would be nice if he said SOMETHING. well...why do i bother?

there's nothing else of too much interest going on in my life. i have us history and marketing finals tomorrow..so i better go finish studying.

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